A Broken Will

“Goodnight, Will. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mama.”

“Sleep tight, Will.” She embraced him.

As she began to pull away, he wrapped his arms tighter. She hugged him a little longer, then he released her. She started towards the door.

“Wait, Mama. Don’t go.”

She turned around and returned to his bedside. “What is it, Will?”

“I love you, Mama.”

“I love you too, Will. Goodnight.”

Will closed his eyes. Memories began to stir within him. Memories of the time when he had no refuge. Memories of a mother who once loved him, who now existed only in these memories.

*          *          *

His first cry broke the air, a manifestation of that first breath, of that joy in newfound life. He looked up, gazed into his mother’s eyes. Her soft, weary smile lit up the room. Will knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She tenderly lifted him in her arms. He looked again, and his eyes rested upon a man, whose beaming smile emulated that of his mother, but also appeared somewhat troubled, as if he realized the weight contained in this new responsibility. As they left the hospital, he heard loud voices, coming from his mother and father. Tears fell from his mother’s eyes, and she turned away, speaking softly to him, consoling, of hope for survival, less to him, than to herself.

*          *          *

Will’s mother tucked him in, humming softly, and gave him a warm hug. He touched her face, and smiled. She left his room, and he closed his eyes.

A few minutes later, he was almost asleep when he was stirred by the sound of a closing door. Voices followed, and he was roused further. The door sounded again, and more voices were added to his mother’s. As more people arrived, the volume increased. Someone turned on some music, and the noise swelled. Will called out, yearning for some amount of peace and consolation spoken from his mother. But his voice was not heard, neither did a reply return.

Strange smells drifted under the door. The voices became more raucous and abandoned. One, Will realized, was the voice of his mother. It was barely recognizable, harsh, unrepressed, wild. He cried out again; again, no soothing reply returned. A whimper escaped his lips. He began rocking back and forth in his crib, hurt and afraid. Finally, he fell into a disturbed sleep.

*          *          *

The next morning, the house was silent. Will slowly awoke, and called for his mother. There was no reply. Then he recalled the events of the previous night. An aching hunger gnawed at his stomach. He cried out again, and again, desperate. As the pangs of hunger and loneliness intensified to a despairing longing for nourishment and love, his voice diminished to a whisper. Again, Will fell asleep.

“Will! Will! You need to get up!”

“Mama?”

A tiny flame of hope was left glowing within him, and flared into love with a passion greater than he had ever felt before. He leapt into her arms and wrapped his little arms around her neck, buried his face in her hair.

There was that strange smell from last night. What could it be?

But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he had his Mama back.

“Okay, Will.” She gently detached his arms. “You need to eat.”

She poured him a bowl of cereal. He gazed up at her with unadulterated adoration and devotion in his eyes. She looked down at the ground.

“I’m sorry, Will. Mama has to go to work.”

“Mama?”

“Goodbye, Will. I’ll be back later tonight.”

The door shut. Will stared at his meager bowl of food, and started rocking.

*          *          *

3:00 a.m.

Will’s mother was awakened by a squeaking sound of the recliner in the living room. She arose, and went to investigate, knowing it would be Will, rocking as he would for hours on end.

“Hey, Will. It’s me, Mama,” she whispered softly.

“Who is Mama?”

She was silent for a long moment, then asked “How long have you been here?”

Will just gazed up at her with his wide, confused eyes, more conflicting emotion and sadness veiled within them than any person, let alone a five-year-old child, should ever have to endure. His soulful eyes, his tainted trust, touched her more poignantly than could any physical pain.

His gaze she held for a long, meaningful moment, then reached her arms out to him.

Where he used to be hesitant to express his love for another, unfamiliar, “Mama,” he now knew where home was. Will wrapped his arms around her familiar neck, and laid his head on her soft shoulder, in her sweet-smelling hair, and was comforted by the safety he felt in his new, loving family.

*          *          *

Will sat there for hours, lost, his hope betrayed once more. Day after day went by, and yet for his betrayal no recompense came. Will’s innocence was such that for a time he did not sense this pattern that would repeat itself again and again over the next few months. But finally, slight hopes became false faith – the most tender and betrayed of hopes. No longer did Will cling to the hope that Mama would stay with him; he ceased crying out for solace. He treasured those short moments when she would tuck him in above all else, but when she closed the door, the pain was only driven deeper.

*          *          *

Will was roused by happy voices, the sound of Daddy chasing his brothers around the house. “Oh, Eli, here comes the tickle monster. You’d better run!”

“No, you’d better run, or I’ll push your belly button and make your legs fall off!”

Mama came into Will’s room. As she opened the door, Will rolled over and pretended to be asleep. She gave him a gentle hug, and whispered in his ear. “Will, I have a hot breakfast waiting just for you.”

“Surprise, Mama! I’m awake.”

“Oh, you silly Will.” She snuggled him again. “Come and get your breakfast, before it gets cold.”

*          *          *

One day, she didn’t come back.

*          *          *

“Hey, Will! Do you want to build a fort?”

“Sure, Jacob. How do we do it?”

“Well, first we take these sofa cushions, and we put them here…”

They worked hard, until it was almost done, and then Will simply sat down

“What is it, Will?”

He looked up at Jacob with shining eyes. “I’m so happy!”

“I am too. I’m so glad you’re part of our family”

“Me too.”

“I hope you stay with us forever.”

“So do I.” His mind wandered to the time before, and he found that he could no longer recall the former fervor with which he loved his mother. This thought somehow comforted him, granted him a trace of security in his newfound family.

Jacob’s mind wandered as well, to what the family had been before, and what it was now. Will’s sensitivity of heart was so tender as to change the disposition of the entire family.

Upstairs, the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it, I’ll get it, I’ll get it,” exclaimed Eli, running upstairs with eager vitality.

A stranger stood at the door, garbed in an athletic shirt and shorts. From his sculpted athletic physique it was evident he spent a great amount of time nurturing his physical appearance.

Indistinct voices drifted down the stairs. Will’s mind flashed back to another time of indistinct voices, and he let out a whimper.

Then Mama’s voice came down the stairs, soft, and broken. “Everyone, come upstairs.”

When everyone had gathered, the stranger at the door gazed at them with empty eyes, and held out some papers.

 “I’m Will’s dad. The kid is coming with me.”